Struggling With My Identity as a Blogger – Let’s Talk Bookish (+ i’ve possibly returned from the dead)

It’s been such a long time.

At least, it feels that way since the last new-content post that I did was a review on July 20th. It’s been well over a month, and now I’m feeling slightly more inclined to actually write here again.

I’ve missed my blog, but at the same time I’ve been terrified of it.

Missed it because I miss this community, I miss writing posts and having conversations, I miss taking care of this little creative outlet.

Terrified because it’s been such a while, and I’m kind of afraid that I’ve lost my touch, that this post will be a fluke and I’ll go back to abandoning the blog, that blogging will become that thing that saps all my energy once again.

I think this is the longest hiatus I’ve ever taken. Or maybe not, but it definitely feels like it. Probably because when I’ve taken hiatuses before, it wasn’t because I was starting to hate my blog. It was more because life commitments got in the way and I had to pause for a while.

This time though, I genuinely was tired of my blog.

Tired of always being behind on keeping up with everyone else’s posts, and with comments on my own.

There was a point when opening a new blank page seemed to kill something in me. I couldn’t bring myself to write anything that I wanted to. All my energy and enthusiasm just disappeared.

I finally reached a point where just thinking about my blog made me so tired. So unexcited. So drained.

I’d lost my passion for blogging.

So I stopped. It was as simple as that.

I felt guilty, so guilty, and I still do. Every time I got an email saying someone new had followed my blog, I felt guilty because I’d abandoned it, and wasn’t creating new content for them to read. It was even worse when I thought of all my old followers who were still hanging in there and I was just leaving them with nothing.

And now that I’m possibly maybe back, this feeling has reached an all-time low. Do I actually really deserve to just come back and continue posting like almost nothing happened?

Do I deserve the kindness of this community that’s been so patient with me every time I’ve disappeared?

Do I deserve to even call myself a blogger when I’ve let my blog slowly gather dust?

“Sorry” doesn’t even begin to adequately describe the depths of my remorse for leaving this blog. Because as much as I avoided it and refused to think of it, I still missed it and loved it. Sometimes I’d go read some old posts and laugh at myself, and wonder why I couldn’t do that anymore. Why I couldn’t write something that made even myself laugh. Why I couldn’t even begin to start a post without slowly losing all my eagerness to get back to my old self.

How do you come back from being ready to give up on a hobby that’s been a part of your life for almost three years? How do you come back, and then call yourself a blogger once more?

I remember a naïve younger version of myself that was filled with such love and excitement for this blog.

How she was determined to become the next cornerstone of the blogging community.

How she worked endlessly to go from a small unknown blogger with a rather ugly blog design to a slightly more well-known blogger with a possibly nicer blog design.

How she made friends who she laughed with and cried with over the agonies of books.

How she planned out an alternate universe for her future where her blog continued to flourish and she became an author, further cementing her position in the community.

How she decided that hiatuses would only happen when it was absolutely necessary, because success doesn’t come to those who slack off.

I wonder what she would think of me now. An entire summer with only a single class, wasted, because I couldn’t muster the determination to prepare posts well in advance in anticipation of the next school semester. How she would have despaired over my utter waste of time.

It’s kind of funny to think about my passionate and excited past self, and compare it to me today. Past Me was definitely a blogger. Current Me? I don’t know anymore.

I can’t blame anybody for my blogging rut. It’s just wholly been me battling myself, trying to overcome my mental aversion to my own blog. Maybe if I hadn’t put so much pressure on myself to be a good blogger, maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe I wouldn’t be questioning if I can be a blogger anymore.

I don’t want to not be a blogger. On the contrary, if I could go back to wanting so badly to post but not having the time to do so, I would because at least then it’s not my fault that I can’t post as much as I would like. I want to go back to being passionate about this space and wanting to make it something that’s completely and truly mine. I didn’t start this blog because of a recommendation from someone. I didn’t start this blog because I was trying to impress someone.

I started this blog because I wanted to, and seldom do I ever do something solely because I want to.

And I don’t want it to end because it means so. much. to me. When I think of the future, I still factor in that my blog will continue to be alive and well, and maybe this is the start of it coming back to life.

But before I give this another try, I want to say I’m sorry despite how useless that word currently feels.

I’m really sorry for everything. For just leaving y’all hanging. I never really did do a proper announcement saying I was on hiatus, just a mention at the end of my last post before this one.

I’m sorry that I’ve not been a better blogger, that I’ve fallen so helplessly behind with comments and with blog hopping and commenting on your blogs. I love you and your posts so much, so forgive me for not being more consistent with keeping up with you all.

I’m also sorry to everyone who has been tagging me, and who I haven’t responded to. I’m going to try and find all those pingbacks, because I do really appreciate the fact that you were still thinking of me even when I was gone.

And to all my wonderful LTB friends, I am so sorry for not being a better host and for not keeping up with your discussions. I’m forever grateful that you’ve been participating in this meme, and I hope that you do continue to do so, despite my faults.

Maybe I can try and start this whole blogging thing anew with a better mindset and a goal to be and do better.

Maybe I can reach a point where I can convince myself that I am a blogger and deserve to call myself one.

At the least, I hope I won’t have to be disappointed in myself for abandoning this blog ever again.

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Let’s Talk Bookish is a weekly meme hosted by me and Dani @ Literary Lion where we discuss certain topics, share our opinions, and spread the love by visiting each other’s posts. Today’s topic was about having a blogger identity crisis. Join in on this meme by writing your own discussion on the topic, and sharing your link using the inLinkz available here.

You know, I actually contemplated making this a more light-hearted self-deprecating post but I guess heavy, serious, and very self-deprecating still works too. Jokes aside, I’m so glad that I got that off my chest, and I really hope that this is a permanent return. I’ve missed y’all, how have you been? I’d love to catch up, so share any new favorite books, blogs, etc that you have below.