Struggling With My Identity as a Blogger – Let’s Talk Bookish (+ i’ve possibly returned from the dead)

It’s been such a long time.

At least, it feels that way since the last new-content post that I did was a review on July 20th. It’s been well over a month, and now I’m feeling slightly more inclined to actually write here again.

I’ve missed my blog, but at the same time I’ve been terrified of it.

Missed it because I miss this community, I miss writing posts and having conversations, I miss taking care of this little creative outlet.

Terrified because it’s been such a while, and I’m kind of afraid that I’ve lost my touch, that this post will be a fluke and I’ll go back to abandoning the blog, that blogging will become that thing that saps all my energy once again.

I think this is the longest hiatus I’ve ever taken. Or maybe not, but it definitely feels like it. Probably because when I’ve taken hiatuses before, it wasn’t because I was starting to hate my blog. It was more because life commitments got in the way and I had to pause for a while.

This time though, I genuinely was tired of my blog.

Tired of always being behind on keeping up with everyone else’s posts, and with comments on my own.

There was a point when opening a new blank page seemed to kill something in me. I couldn’t bring myself to write anything that I wanted to. All my energy and enthusiasm just disappeared.

I finally reached a point where just thinking about my blog made me so tired. So unexcited. So drained.

I’d lost my passion for blogging.

So I stopped. It was as simple as that.

I felt guilty, so guilty, and I still do. Every time I got an email saying someone new had followed my blog, I felt guilty because I’d abandoned it, and wasn’t creating new content for them to read. It was even worse when I thought of all my old followers who were still hanging in there and I was just leaving them with nothing.

And now that I’m possibly maybe back, this feeling has reached an all-time low. Do I actually really deserve to just come back and continue posting like almost nothing happened?

Do I deserve the kindness of this community that’s been so patient with me every time I’ve disappeared?

Do I deserve to even call myself a blogger when I’ve let my blog slowly gather dust?

“Sorry” doesn’t even begin to adequately describe the depths of my remorse for leaving this blog. Because as much as I avoided it and refused to think of it, I still missed it and loved it. Sometimes I’d go read some old posts and laugh at myself, and wonder why I couldn’t do that anymore. Why I couldn’t write something that made even myself laugh. Why I couldn’t even begin to start a post without slowly losing all my eagerness to get back to my old self.

How do you come back from being ready to give up on a hobby that’s been a part of your life for almost three years? How do you come back, and then call yourself a blogger once more?

I remember a naïve younger version of myself that was filled with such love and excitement for this blog.

How she was determined to become the next cornerstone of the blogging community.

How she worked endlessly to go from a small unknown blogger with a rather ugly blog design to a slightly more well-known blogger with a possibly nicer blog design.

How she made friends who she laughed with and cried with over the agonies of books.

How she planned out an alternate universe for her future where her blog continued to flourish and she became an author, further cementing her position in the community.

How she decided that hiatuses would only happen when it was absolutely necessary, because success doesn’t come to those who slack off.

I wonder what she would think of me now. An entire summer with only a single class, wasted, because I couldn’t muster the determination to prepare posts well in advance in anticipation of the next school semester. How she would have despaired over my utter waste of time.

It’s kind of funny to think about my passionate and excited past self, and compare it to me today. Past Me was definitely a blogger. Current Me? I don’t know anymore.

I can’t blame anybody for my blogging rut. It’s just wholly been me battling myself, trying to overcome my mental aversion to my own blog. Maybe if I hadn’t put so much pressure on myself to be a good blogger, maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe I wouldn’t be questioning if I can be a blogger anymore.

I don’t want to not be a blogger. On the contrary, if I could go back to wanting so badly to post but not having the time to do so, I would because at least then it’s not my fault that I can’t post as much as I would like. I want to go back to being passionate about this space and wanting to make it something that’s completely and truly mine. I didn’t start this blog because of a recommendation from someone. I didn’t start this blog because I was trying to impress someone.

I started this blog because I wanted to, and seldom do I ever do something solely because I want to.

And I don’t want it to end because it means so. much. to me. When I think of the future, I still factor in that my blog will continue to be alive and well, and maybe this is the start of it coming back to life.

But before I give this another try, I want to say I’m sorry despite how useless that word currently feels.

I’m really sorry for everything. For just leaving y’all hanging. I never really did do a proper announcement saying I was on hiatus, just a mention at the end of my last post before this one.

I’m sorry that I’ve not been a better blogger, that I’ve fallen so helplessly behind with comments and with blog hopping and commenting on your blogs. I love you and your posts so much, so forgive me for not being more consistent with keeping up with you all.

I’m also sorry to everyone who has been tagging me, and who I haven’t responded to. I’m going to try and find all those pingbacks, because I do really appreciate the fact that you were still thinking of me even when I was gone.

And to all my wonderful LTB friends, I am so sorry for not being a better host and for not keeping up with your discussions. I’m forever grateful that you’ve been participating in this meme, and I hope that you do continue to do so, despite my faults.

Maybe I can try and start this whole blogging thing anew with a better mindset and a goal to be and do better.

Maybe I can reach a point where I can convince myself that I am a blogger and deserve to call myself one.

At the least, I hope I won’t have to be disappointed in myself for abandoning this blog ever again.

Let’s Talk Bookish is a weekly meme hosted by me and Dani @ Literary Lion where we discuss certain topics, share our opinions, and spread the love by visiting each other’s posts. Today’s topic was about having a blogger identity crisis. Join in on this meme by writing your own discussion on the topic, and sharing your link using the inLinkz available here.

You know, I actually contemplated making this a more light-hearted self-deprecating post but I guess heavy, serious, and very self-deprecating still works too. Jokes aside, I’m so glad that I got that off my chest, and I really hope that this is a permanent return. I’ve missed y’all, how have you been? I’d love to catch up, so share any new favorite books, blogs, etc that you have below.


33 thoughts on “Struggling With My Identity as a Blogger – Let’s Talk Bookish (+ i’ve possibly returned from the dead)

  1. Hey Rukky, I really relate to how you are feeling in this post and I have certainly felt like being in a blogging burnout for basically the past year and a half. This sentence “I’ve missed my blog, but at the same time I’ve been terrified of it” has described my feelings a lot. The part where you mentioned how in the past you were so enthusiastic and productive with your blog but now you don’t feel that way hit home. In 2019, I felt like I was a genuinely good blogger and now not so much. It feels like I’ve gone backwards which feels like a shameful thing to say. I think now, after basically not posting for a year, I’m trying to see it more like your blog will change over time and it doesn’t have to fit a steadily progressive line, other paths and breaks are important and part of the process. There is no one better way because it is completely personal. I want to prioritise flexibility to my life and happiness with my blog. I don’t want it to be a drag to post, I want to get excited about having a creative outlet. It is hard because I can’t remove the pressure I feel all the time– I still feel bad and guilty, sometimes I just straight up feel like a failure– but to remind myself that the best and most productive thing I can do with my blog is to enjoy it so that may mean not posting for a while at times. Breaks have really helped me with blogging too, they ironically teach you a bit more about what you want from blogging. I was getting fed up with pressuring myself into certain aspects and people are always so kind, just wanting you to do what you want and still there for you. It can make you feel guilty but you owe kindness to yourself more than owing anyone content. I love your content when you want to make it and always understand if you don’t feel like it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, it was actually really comforting to read as the thoughts felt really similar and I hope it was beneficial to you to write out how you were feeling. I wish you all the best and hope you prioritise looking after yourself. 💕💕

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Don’t beat yourself up! I really unrestrained that kind of pressure, I’ve been feeling bad about not posting much this year, too. But I always have to remind myself that no one’s paying me to blog! I do this because I want to, and the people who read my blog understand that. If blogging is making you feel bad, I absolutely think you should take a break. The important thing is to have fun!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hope things get easier for you and you don’t feel so bad about not being able to blog! You’re right, nobody’s paying us, it’s supposed to be a hobby, and we gotta remember that. And I really need to get over feeling guilty about it. Thank you for the reminder ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Really there is no reason to apologise because you don’t owe us anything, anyone who would criticise that you haven’t posted in a while is just entitled. Have I paid for you to write a post? No! I do hope you can find a new balance that works for you and more importantly can let go of those negative emotions and the guilt that you shouldn’t be feeling.

    It’s exactly that “silly” amount of pressure that you are putting on yourself (and we all do it!) that is usually the root of blogging problems. I always feel like I have to comment with something lengthy or profound on posts, and reply to comments or replies to my comments…. it’s ridiculous and I end up avoiding visiting other blogs and missing out on inspiration and great writing. And we all know that if someone just writes “I loved your post” that it makes our day. Whilst it’s lovely to leave comments on every one, we all know it’s not possible to keep your own blog going, read the books to blog about AND spend hours visiting and commenting on other blogs.

    As I’m writing this I’m realising that what *I* need to do is visit blogs on a weekly basis and leave one comment about several posts. And if I spread those visits out over the week then it isn’t too onerous a task. In terms of posting, I’d rather have quality of quantity and there’s nothing wrong with recycling an older post that you are proud of – particularly since your newer followers might not have read it! Too many comments to reply to? Just show then some love (or is that like, lol!) Chose one post a week where you will reply to comments, or chose one day a week where you will reply to comments left on that day.

    PS – do NOT feel pressured to reply to this comment!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is such a great idea!! It would defintiely help so much with feeling guilty about comments, since I also kind of avoid reading posts because I know I’m not going to be able to comment on them all. With comments on my own blog, I think I’m actually getting a little better at just “liking” when I don’t actually have anything really to say in response. I guess not all comments necessitate a response, so hopefully I’ll get better with that.

      Thank you so much for the idea, Louise 💖

      Liked by 1 person

  4. No need to apologize! Blogging should be fun, and if we need to hit pause, there’s nothing wrong with that. The world is a stressful place right now, and it’s definitely making it harder for me to just enjoy blogging. But at the end of the day, I just want to talk about books. Sometimes it helps to just remind myself of that. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hey Rukky! I’ve missed talking to you. Blogging can be so stressful, after so long, and its so good to be able to take a break when you can. I know how easy it is to want to put so much pressure on yourself, and to feel like you’re not being a good enough blogger, but know that blogging is a hobby, and that the friends you’ve made are going to be there for you whenever you decide to come back.

    It’s good to see you back, and I hope that you can take as much time away from blogging as you need, and that when you come back you feel better about blogging 🥰✨💕

    Liked by 1 person

  6. No need to apologize. Everyone goes through things like this, and better it should be with your blog than with say… something really big like a career or an important relationship. Also, I don’t think people pay all that much attention to how little someone posts. I don’t. I’m just glad to see a post from a blogger I enjoy reading. I had no idea you’d been on a hiatus, to be honest. On the other hand, I notice (far too often) when someone posts EVERY single day, SEVERAL times a day! Whew… hard work! So… As they say “absence makes the heart grow fonder” so post when you want, when you’re motivated and we’ll be here to read your posts.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I love reading honest, gritty posts like this, Rukky!

    And if there is anyone who understands the struggle and hardships of keeping up a blog, that would be bloggers.

    Thank you for being honest with us, and I am glad that you could open up to us with this much of honesty and genuineness about your feelings. I was going through the rest of the comments and was heartened to see some of the great suggestions they are suggesting you could take to heart. I feel like you still have a huge community here regardless of what and when you post!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s not really in my nature to be like super honest like I was in this post. I tend to try and be happy positive all the time, but sometimes it’s just too much to try and be that positive all the time. I’m glad you loved reading it though. Thank you Hasini 💕

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Thanks for your honest reflection! I’m sorry to hear you’ve been struggling. Have you thought of adding a co-blogger …maybe a partnership would relieve some pressure and add a side of renewed inspiration and enjoyment?

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I really feel this! Sometimes blogging totally loses its spark, and, in that case, please be kind to yourself whenever the motivation leaves you. You’re absolutely entitled to a hiatus whenever you need, even without an explanation, because no matter what, YOU come first. Always. Anyways, I’m with you in hoping the hobby sticks this time around, just because it’s so nice to have you here. You’re welcome back after any pause, no matter how many you need to take. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Hi Rukky! It sounds like you’re being really hard on yourself. Nobody is judging you for taking a break! ❤️ Maybe try thinking of your blog as a hobby rather than a huge commitment and just write whenever you’re in the mood rather than forcing yourself into a demanding schedule. Take care of yourself first and the rest will fall into place 📚❤️ X x x

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I think it’s so important to take a break when needed! I always said I will only continue to blog for as long as I love it. I have been doing this for four years and I’m still surprised by just how much time and work is required to keep it going! And it’s a hobby!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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