in this post: Younger Me continues to be a rather cringy writer
honestly, what else did I expect?
Welcome back to this series, friends!! I hope you’re doing well.
In the first post of this series, I shared the stats of this story that Younger Me wrote and some backstory regarding my love of writing and what I told stories about as a child. I also dissected the first 2 pages and a third of this book that I called Tessa and the Murder in Avon, Utah. I think it was a pretty funny post, so if you missed it, go give it some love!
I’m not going to make this a lengthy intro, so let’s get right into the second part of this disaster!
(in case you didn’t realize, this is all in fun and me being salty or super critical is part of it! don’t worry, i still love and cherish 10 yro Younger Me no matter how embarrassing she was ❤)
- “a beautiful place it was” I’m like 99.99999…% sure that I saw this in one of the books I was reading at the time and decided to incorporate it because it sounded ~fancy~. Younger Me, it just sounds seriously out of place
- This town in the 21st century sounds very old with people standing on the street holding baskets and selling produce. I’m already imagining dusty full skirts and breeches.
- Well technically, there was already happy screaming going on, so it wasn’t all of a sudden. Unless the kids with kites were cry screaming. Which should be slightly alarming.
- Again, I’ll ignore the grammatical issues
- Great job Younger Me! Such creative and unique names!! i am being very sarcastic
- She COOED???? Of all the things! It’s like I’m writing a book set in a past very white very unoriginal town with grandmas masquerading as teenagers. And then, “this is my new chummy, Teresa”
- Can I just crawl into a tiny hole for forever right now? Chummy?? *shudders*
- The “SUPER cute”…
- Hmm, I’ve introduced a minor villain. And of course she’s a teenager. Honestly, now that I’m a teenager, I’m slightly offended by the notion that all teenagers are moody and hostile. We are not…it’s just certain days that don’t deserve any effort on our part to be cheery and happy.
- I can’t pinpoint exactly why, but the way I said, “another older woman, about 30 years old” bothers me
- Not gonna ask how she is? Ok. No problem.
- Better known as Maddie? “we call her Maddie” sounds more normal. It’s like I’m telling the reader, instead of Trish and Tessa chatting
- This whole intro by Trish is weird. “I took her” as if she’s some sort of…object? That sounds so insensitive for such a “loving person”.
- That’s the end of the first chapter. So far, it’s just been cringe, and a bit insensitive, but I’m hoping the next chapter gets better. I hope.
- I remember that I was always obsessed with Mercedes cars! Idk, I love the name, and the look, and I’m still semi-obsessed with them 😅
- Well technically, there are 3 seats in the back, so Tessa and Teresa shouldn’t have to carry all the kids. Anyways, wouldn’t Trish get a bigger car since she has 5 kids?
- Back with the great grandma dialogue, Tessa. She might be a vampire, who knows!
- I love how Tessa goes on to calmly explain to Maddie, who was obviously being really sarcastic, why she made that statement. It also makes me wonder. How old is Tessa?? I thought she was a teenager, but she’s obviously older than Maddie.
- Ooh, she got out of a moving car??
- It’s ironic how the children are described as “bubbly” but they haven’t made a peep since.
- The description of the house isn’t the best. Brick and mortar? Ok. Pretty colors? Well, which ones?? Green? Chocolate? Silvery? Hospitable windows? Well, windows make a place look airy and open, not necessarily “hospitable”.
- The sentence with the bird feeders is so awkward, it hurts.
- Of course it’s Maddie’s room 🙄
- I don’t know how to react to Trish’s explanation. On one hand, the awfully formal dialogue is again funny. What she says though, I guess, it makes some sense. But again, the “evil” teenager trope is pretty annoying too.
- “It’s another reason I wished you to come Tessa”, yup, Tessa’s probably in her 20s or so. She has to be closer to Trish in age than Maddie. Especially since she hasn’t been described as a teenager.
- Honestly, she hasn’t been described. What does Tessa even look like?? Standard blonde hair probably (possibly even strawberry blonde because, hey! let’s copy Nancy Drew amirite?), totally white….but is she petite or tall? Is she athletic or not so much?? Dimples? Bloodred eyes can’t ignore the possibility that she’s a vampire or green ones?
I didn’t really become a better writer. It was still incredibly cringy, and there are some parts that are “eh?” and others that are just 😑. There’s also the issue of the very oddly formal dialogue. It’s kind of funny but really awkward at the same time.
Did I like anything here? Tessa’s response to Maddie’s sarcasm was kind of cool, but it could have been more witty if she’d added some “insult” to it while sounding perfectly reasonable. Not really “insult”, but just some saltiness right back.
I’m also proud of Younger Me for not making Mysterious Dude from part 1 the entire focus within these two pages and so. I was expecting that Younger Me would mention him every 2 words, so it’s awesome that I didn’t say anything about him and focused on other things in the meanwhile.
Of course, one reference would have been good just to help the reader continue being curious about him even if Tessa’s not curious anymore (for now), but overall, that was handled remarkably well. I always thought I was terrible at expository writing (Idk, but my eagerness to write the mystery makes me terrible at basic explanations of other things) but Younger Me is proving that I’m not that bad at it.
yes, you’re not bad, you’re terrible at this
I’m like weirdly nodding my head IRL and smiling at my Younger Self right now…🤦🏾♀️
So, what did you guys think?? Did Younger Me become a better writer in this part? What did you find seriously cringy or amazing?
What was the funniest part for you? Do you think I used some of my elusive “writing genius” in these chapters? Are you enjoying this series? Chat with me in the comments below!!